Rod Stewart vs Tom Jones: A Sleaze Off
The other day a friend made a joke about Tom Jones being a fat, boring slag. This made me realize that I actually had no idea what Tom Jones looks like. So I googled him and … I wouldn’t call him a fat, boring slag. If I had to characterize him, it would be as a Viagra popping* overgrown Oompa-Loompa with an outdated sense of style—an aging sleaze-bag of monumental proportions. And of course, when I think of epic, aging sleaze-bags, I think of Rod Stewart. And then I thought, who’s sleazier? Let’s evaluate:
Appearance/Sense of style:
While their hairstyles are very different from one another, they are both fucking terrible: Rod with his eternal mullet—oh, I’m sorry, trademark rooster thing—and Tom with his helmet of curls and, more recently, a goatee. I can’t hold a man’s hair texture against him, but that goatee is pretty awful.
What they do have in common is a love for super low cut shirts, although to be fair, it was probably somewhat cool at some point during their respective careers. But still, sleazy.
I do not think you’re sexy.
You are not a sex bomb.
But their sins are far greater than low cut shirts showing chest hair and bling (Or you know, pooka shell necklaces. When was that cool, Rod?). Take Stewart here, who has worn some shit that prompts you to say, “What, what, what are you doing?”
I’m no expert, but I think those are pubes.
To be fair, Tom Jones’s pubic hair may be visible in this photo, but it’s kind of hard to tell because he is covered in manly yeti fur.
Okay, the cross, seriously? It is in every damned photo. Is the chain tangled in your chest hair? Can you not take it off?
Since they both look dress like creepers, the tie breaker here is the unnaturally orange skin possessed by Tom Jones.
He’s the color of saffron, or maybe turmeric. Clearly, he fell into a radioactive batch of curry at a young age and has never been the same.
Winner: Tom Jones
Voice/music:
I can’t stand Rod Stewart’s rasp and I physically hate the song “Maggie May,” although it may be one of his least sleazy songs (other than “Forever Young,” which is just cheesy as all hell). If anything, it helps mitigate his sleaziness because it sounds like he actually has feelings. That says, he compensates by being a total and utter dog with other songs.
Take the idiotically titled “Da Ya think I’m Sexy?” The lyrics aren’t so terrible—sure, they describe picking up a chick and sleeping with her, but it sounds like they’re consenting adults and what have you. That said, the video is super sleazy and features him … well, I guess you’d call it dancing. There are also hilariously cheesy fade outs and soft filters.
But some of his other songs make you want to send him door to door in his neighborhood, or to live under a bridge in Florida. For instance, in “Hot Legs” he sings, “Well you can love me tonight if you want/but in the morning make sure you’re gone.” Real nice, asshole. But still, not so bad as, “Hot legs, are you still in school?” or “Hot legs, bring your mother too.” Then there’s a part about his “daddy” who’s “touching 64” while she’s 17. Possibly the skeeviest skeeve who ever skeeved.
Then “Tonight’s The Night (Gonna Be Alright)” features lines like, “don’t deny your man’s desire” and “don’t say a word, my virgin child,” not to mention the video featuring the girl saying “I’m scared” in French. And yet it’s the music that really offends me here. It’s just a fucking monument to terrible.
I will admit that I like “Downtown Train” but that doesn’t count because it is technically a Tom Waits song so I just like to pretend the Rod Stewart version doesn’t exist. Moving on …
It’s no surprise that Tom Jones ended up in Vegas because his music is some of the cheesiest there is. Even when the lyrics aren’t sleazy, his voice does the trick. I feel like each song is a metaphorical attempt at reaching a hand up a skirt. While “It’s Not Unusual” is the song I think of when I think of Tom Jones, he’s also pretty famous for “What’s new Pussycat?” The lyrics are repetitive and trite, and the reference to “kissing your sweet little pussycat lips” must have meant as much then as it would today.
And maybe you think, “What about ‘She’s A Lady’?” Sure, he says to always treat her with respect, never abuse her. And I’m willing to look past the whole “the Lady is mine” thing because plenty of women sing about “their” men, so I can’t blame the possessiveness here. Also, he’s singing about a Lady not a girl, so that should put him ahead of Stewart, right? Yeah, sure, but the line “Well she always knows her place” is never going to win me over.
Of course, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention his more recent “Sex Bomb.” The lyrics aren’t really worth analyzing because they aren’t really clever. It’s pretty much just “Sex Bomb, Sex Bomb, thinly veiled metaphor for ejaculation, Sex Bomb.” But look at the video, his dancing, his facial expressions. Sleaze.
Winner: Rod Stewart
“Romantic” Liaisons:
Rod: Art student, model, actress, model/actress, model, model, model. Somewhere a bro has a high-five hanging for Rod Stewart. Look, I’ve got no issue with leaving a slew of former lovers in your wake (people in glass houses, etc) but I believe this fellow is what Carrie Bradshaw (I know, I know) would call a modelizer. I’m sure they are all very beautiful on the inside but I find it hard to believe that’s what Stewart noticed.
Tom: Married his high school sweetheart. But please, hold your awwws, dude cheated on her all the time, with all sorts of people, including Elvira (which is kind of awesome?). Per wikipedia:
Jones has remained married to Melinda since 1957, despite his many well publicised infidelities. His philandering once led her to beat him black and blue. She snapped after reading about one infidelity in a newspaper. She punched and kicked him, but Jones did not fight back: “I took it,” Jones said.
Uh, I don’t even want to know what it feels like to be that mad. I had a thing with this guy once, and I thought he only dated crazy chicks because he would tell me about how this girlfriend broke into his apartment (because she thought he was cheating), and that girlfriend smashed his phone with a hammer (because of a text he received), and all manner of other crazy shit. Then once, when he didn’t call when he said he would, I found myself calling him repeatedly, usually hanging up when it went to voicemail but sometimes leaving messages comprised of swear words. Then, I realized I had called him like, 30 times in an hour and I knew that those girlfriends didn’t start out crazy. He made them that way. I think Tom Jones is like that dude. I’m sure Melinda is perfectly sane but this fucker just makes her homicidal. Anyway, if that’s not enough, dude had a kid he refused to acknowledge
In October 1987, while on tour in America, Jones had a brief relationship with model Katherine Berkery. Three months later, Berkery discovered that she was pregnant. After a lengthy fight and DNA testing, an American court ruled in 1989 that Jones is the boy’s father. He flatly denied paternity for 20 years, but finally admitted it in 2008. However, he made no suggestion that he wanted to meet his son, Jonathan Berkery.
What a fucking asshole.
Winner: Tom Jones
Champion of Sleaze: Tom Jones
Congratulations Mr. Jones. You are one sleazy motherfucker.
* Unsubstantiated, just a guess.
